It happened again, one of those moments in motherhood when you stop and realize your child is different somehow, bigger, more grown up, and while your heart swells with joy and pride, another part of you feels like weeping because she's grown and she will never go back to the way she was before.
It's been one of those weeks with Lyla. Her language has suddenly exploded and she's putting full sentences together. Her imagination is growing and she's making sense of the world, understanding things she didn't before. Every part of me is screaming, "stop, slow down, pay attention because you can't get these days back." And yet I'll admit, I've been stressed and feeling anxious and having a hard time just enjoying the moment. I'm not sure why I've been feeling so stressed, I can't quite but my finger on it. But I've been praying that God would change me heart, help me slow down, and be ok with things undone and not put together, even if it's things in my own heart. Looking at these pictures is helping. I don't want to miss these days, these little moments of joy that God has blessed me with through this little life. So tonight I stop, I remember what happened, and thank God for the privilege of raising this child.
Dear Lyla,
I've been thinking the past few days about how I need to write to you to tell you how much I love you and how much you are growing and changing and becoming the most beautiful little person. You've suddenly become an independent little person. You tell me, "do it, self" and "i'll do it" several times a day and my heart is so proud of you as I watch trying to put on your shoes, or get up on your chair, or whatever it is you want to do. And I'm thankful that sometimes those words proceed with you asking for "help" because it means you still need me.
Your imagination is suddenly becoming so apparent. In the last week your blocks have been a camera, a brush, a phone. Your toy fork and knife were drumsticks, your pot your drum and you banged your drum as we sang "Wheels on the Bus" your favorite song. You also love to find your train track and hold it up like a guitar, as we sing. We drum, strum, dance and sing everyday because it makes you happy.
You are aware of people being sad, especially in books and you always say, "sad" followed by "cuddle" because you know that when your sad you just need a cuddle. I love that you know that and you've connected that because I always want you to know that when you are sad, I'll be here to cuddle.
You are showing your sweet spirit too as you join me as I put Lucas down for his nap. As I rock you say, "Jesus" which means sing "Jesus Name Above All Names" and then you proceed to sing it with me. Sometimes you'll add "I wuv you" which means sing "I Love You Lord. " I love that you know those songs by heart because they are the songs I've sung to you every day as we rock before your naps and bedtime. Rocking you and cuddling you is one of the highlights of my day because you are one busy girl. You don't stop. You always have a plan and an agenda and nothing stops you from completing whatever it is you set your mind too.
I can't get over you, I don't think I ever will. And you'll never know how much I really love you, how much it takes me breath away to think about someone hurting you or something happening to you. Life has been hard for me lately. I've been stressed and hard on myself and watching you is reminding me about how God tells us to be like little children. I want to be more like you. Trusting, joyful, creative, sensitive, and loving, and enjoying every little thing, like the helicopter that flew over us today.
I just wanted to stop and tell you these things because this week it felt like you grew up over night and I just needed to stop and remember these things because they, like you, are precious. Thank you sweet girl for loving me even when I don't do things perfectly. You are becoming one of my dearest friends and I can't wait to walk through this next season with you. Two here we come!
I love you sweet girl,
Your Mama
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